|Never fight with ugly people–they have nothing to lose!|
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Good girls are bad girls who never got caught!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
|The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.|
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
|You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.|
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.